I Don’t Want To Die

Im 30 now. I find myself very aware of the suicide rate for bipolar – 1 in 4 success, 1 in 2 attempt. You know what. I get it. I really feel like I get it.

I’m not in an episode. Not depressed, not manic, hell i’m not even mixed. I’m just miserable…

I don’t wish to go into the intricacies of my life, it is irrelevant. I am not happy and have been this way for a long time. Disappointed with reality and how the world has turned out to be. The things that I really don’t get though, is how alone I am in feeling this way.

This soul crushing cycle I find myself on is… well… not enough.

I try to express this to others to be met with silence, dismay.

Do you not feel it too?

Is this the difference? Living with bipolar vs without?

I feel so incredibly alone with these feelings, I’m not depressed but every which way my current reality isn’t enough. Will it ever be..?

I want to write more, to explain, but right now all I can tell you is this.

I don’t want to die, but being alive is killing me.

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